LOL
Dad jokes might get a bad rap, but these puns and one-liners will have even non-fathers laughing out loud.
What has five toes and isn’t your foot?
My foot.
I’m reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?
It’s because they’re so good at it.
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography.
I don’t believe him, but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
Why couldn’t the little boy go see the pirate movie?
Because it was rated “Arrrgh!”
Kid: I’ll call you later.
Dad: Please, call me Dad.
Kid: Can you put my shoes on?
Dad: I can try, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
In 2017 I didn’t do a marathon. I didn’t do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either.
This is a running joke.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop.
I just found out I’m color blind.
The news came out of the purple!
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day.
It’s soda pressing.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand stores.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning.
That wasn’t cool.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1.
Paramount, Forrest Gump (1994)
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church?
Christian Bale.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?
He's an excellent parallel Parker.
What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football?
Fumbledore.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had bad blood.
Mix and Match Studio, Shutterstock
Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything!
Not to brag but I made six figures last year.
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill.
"Sure," I said. "My door is always open."
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale.
"No," I said. "It's to look at."
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out.
Turns out, good players are hard to find.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Lance isn't that common a name these days,
but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
Bubble 07.
My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
ShotPrime Studio, Shutterstock
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two tired.
What does corn say when it gets a compliment?
Aw, shucks!
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What did 0 say to 8?
"Nice belt."
What did the drummer name her twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?
Because he always got lost at “C.”
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?
Oh snap.
And One More For Good Luck: Where do dads store their dad jokes?
In the dad-a-base.
